


Phanilla Twilight

by Phantje



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan hides in Phil's bed, First Kiss, Getting Together, Home Alone, M/M, Owl City, Phan Fluff, Phil is in America, Songfic, lonely dan, vanilla twilight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:30:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9409445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantje/pseuds/Phantje
Summary: Dan is left home alone. Phil is in America and Dan is positive he has never felt worse. Thoughts about Phil pop into his head and ruin any possible peace of mind. Only hiding in Phil's bed and thinking about reassuring hugs hugs makes Dan fall asleep.What he did not expect however was to wake up to Phil next to him, having returned from America because he knew Dan was sad. That heartwrenching glance of Dan's when Phil left wasn't as secretive as he had hoped it had been. Now Dan is left to figure out if Phil feels the same and so is Phil, cause who would have thought that the two dorks feel alike?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Saturday! <3 :)   
> I hope you enjoy this songfic! It's one of the first Phanfictions I have ever written, let me know what you think! <3   
> See you next Saturday (hopefully!). :D

** Phanilla Twilight **

 

DAN’S POV

 

Hello! My name is Dan. I’m 23 years old. And I can sincerely confess that this night is the worst of my entire life! You might wonder why. I can tell you why. I’m alone. Home alone. As I’m more than twenty years old this might seem weird to you but I can explain. Trust me. The reason for my sadness _can’t_ be found in my childhood. Even though I was home alone quite a lot, this is not where my sadness comes from. No. I’m the loneliest and saddest person on earth because my roommate isn’t there. Some of you might still not understand, so I better keep on explaining. I mean, what else should I do all alone? Listening to one song in the dark won’t help me feel better. At least not entirely. There are a few songs who’d nearly manage to make me feel better but … I’m losing the track…

So here we go. A few years ago, I moved in together with my favourite YouTuber. Phil Lester. Also known as AmazingPhil. Before that we already talked via skype and stuff but it was however still a really big day for me when we finally moved in together. Firstly we lived in Manchester. After two years we moved to London because that was easier for both of us and our job. I’m sorry if this is too fast for you but I don’t have enough spirit to go into details.

Over the years, Phil and I became the best of friends. We shared the same humour, the same interests. Everything was perfect. Like literally everything. Each one of us had his faults but still. I couldn’t have wished for a better friend or roommate. Everything was perfect, until I realised, that I’d fallen in love with him. With Phil. Phil Lester. I always knew that he meant a lot to me. But one day I realised that there could never be any boy or girl that would make me feel the way Phil does. Phil lights up my world. This sounds horrible. But it’s the truth. That sounded even worse… But what can I do?

Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you, finding out that I loved Phil wasn’t the worst part yet. No. I simply can’t tell if he loves me to. As I never told him myself I simply have no idea what to think myself neither what he thinks, obviously. You might just, in this precise moment, shake your head because of my stupidity. And I can’t even blame you! I know that it’s stupid not to tell the one you love that you love them but I just don’t want to lose Phil as my best friend. So instead of asking him I ask myself a lot of stupid questions like:  What if he doesn’t feel like I do? What if he thinks I’m joking? What if he is disgusted and doesn’t want to know me any longer?

Maybe I’m overreacting, but these are exactly the thoughts you have when you are home alone. In the dark. The moment Phil closed the door I began to miss him. It got worse and worse the more minutes passed. Sometimes I thought I couldn’t take it any longer and I wanted to call him. But every time a second before I actually called him the thoughts of losing him came back. So instead of doing anything I just lay down on my bed having an existential crisis. If I’d be in a better mood and if Phil was around I’d explain to you what this so called existential crisis is about. Let me just say: You wouldn’t want to have one yourself. It’s horrible.

When I haven an existential crisis when Phil is around he always knows what to do. He either makes me some hot cups of tea or he cuddles me. In a friendly way. Not in an in-love-ly way. I’m sure that that isn’t even a word…

While telling you this every two seconds I either check my mobile or sigh. I don’t know why I keep checking my phone. I can’t expect Phil sending me something while he is in America, as I am a person who nearly never replies to any kinds of texts. But if you can hear me right now Phil, which is the most unrealistic thing ever, let me assure you, that I would reply to any text you’d send me right now.

And again I sigh. I just can’t handle this situation. Maybe the internet will help me.

 

***************************************************************

 

One hour later (is it really just one hour later? I can’t tell. I literally lost count of time) I can tell you, that the damn internet did not help at all. Every little bit that reminded me in any way of Phil made it worse. And I wasn’t even able to stop scrolling through these endless sites! What am I doing with my life? A little side note: That was the 311th time I said that today. Approximately.

I think my mood has never been worse. What can I do? I can’t even tweet about it as that would cause a lot of trouble for me and for Phil. Even if some of my lovely fans would surely encourage and help me how could I possibly tweet it when Phil is able to see it? What a stupid idea! I literally can’t do anything. That’s not nice. I can tell you. But, there is one thing I could do… But it’s silly and creepy. Or, is it really that creepy? 

After thinking a lot about it I couldn’t think of anything else. So I stole a hoodie from Phil, the green one if you have to know, and lay down in his bed. With my teddy bear in my arms. You might say that I’m childish but I don’t care. Everyone should still be a little bit childish and weird. Being normal is boring. And again I sigh. This time’s reason: I just quoted Phil.

As I crawl into Phil’s bed my mood lights up a little bit. The bed still smells like Phil. I close my eyes and imagine where Phil could be right at the moment. I can only imagine him walking on a street in the moon light. I have no idea if that is accurate due to the different time zones. I have no clue what time it is in London how on earth should I know what time it is in America? Even though I really try my brain wouldn’t let me think of anything else than Phil walking in the moon light.

 

_The stars lean down to kiss you_

As I think about that I realise, that Phil couldn’t possibly walk all alone and I immediately feel jealous. I want to be at his side. I want him to be at my side!

 

_And I lie awake and miss you_

I miss him so very much. It’s always far way funnier with him around. The more I think about him the more I can’t handle the feels. I just simply can’t. I need something to bring down to reality again.

_Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere_

Nothing works. Nothing at all. On the one hand I am terribly tired but on the other hand I just can’t stop my brain from thinking. I think about every single moment Phil and I had together. Because I want to sleep I especially think about the few hugs we had.

_'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly_

_But I'll miss your arms around me_

 

It nearly worked! Thinking of Phil holding me tight in his bed nearly let me sleep. I was in the pre state of sleeping when I suddenly realise that this could never ever happen if I don’t know how he feels. And vice versa.

 

_I'd send a postcard to you, dear_

I want to write something to him. I want to tell him how I feel.

 

_'Cause I wish you were here_

But on the other hand I want him to be here to be able to say it to him in person. Even though I would probably freak out that would still be nicer than just sending him a message of any kind. The longer I lay down the more awake I get. Sometime I eventually stand up and open the curtains.

 

_I'll watch the night turn light-blue_

The night is slowly fading away and the sun is about to come out. It is beautiful.

 

_But it's not the same without you_

But it isn’t the same without Phil. Nothing is and nothing ever will be. Sitting on the sofa browsing in the internet won’t be the same without him. Literally anything won’t be the same without him.

 

_Because it takes two to whisper quietly_

Especially talking. Who should I talk to? Who would understand me the way Phil does? With whom should I whisper while being socially awkward at an event? There was, is and never will be anyone else. And yet telling the truth still contains the possibility of losing him.

 

_The silence isn't so bad_

The only single thing that was alright about this night was that if I still couldn’t be with Phil I didn’t have to be with someone else. I enjoy being on my own. But usually I define being alone with being in our apartment with Phil around. I don’t mind the silence when I know that he is around. But he isn’t. I crawl back into Phil’s bed and feel alone and cold.

 

_'Til I look at my hands and feel sad_

Suddenly I look at my hand with curiosity. I’ve never thought about this before…

 

_'Cause the spaces between my fingers_

They look so lonely! I would never have imagined that hands could look lonely but mine just did.

 

_Are right where yours fit perfectly_

If you wonder what I was so curios about… Phil and my hands have the perfect size. They match perfectly. They have different sizes but only slightly. Simply perfect.

_I'll find repose in new ways_

 

Somehow, even if I still think that it is very unrealistic that this could ever happen, the thought of Phil holding my hand calmed me down and I finally think I could be able to sleep.

 

_Though I haven't slept in two days_

I know I have to sleep as I haven’t slept in like… two days? Even though I have lost count of time I know that even for me this long amount of time staying awake is neither normal nor healthy.

 

_'Cause cold nostalgia_

Even if the thoughts about the moments Phil and I had together have made me feel more awake and suddenly feel really cold thinking about the hugs… It’s not like the thought of hugging him makes me feel cold, more the lack of actual physical contact does.

_Chills me to the bone_

My brain now allows me to think about moments which help me to relax. I guess it wants some rest as well. Now I think about the little moments. The moments when Phil took care of me, when I was ill. The moments when we shared an awkward eye contact and in the end everything turned out cute. Thinking of all these moments makes me smile. But shortly before I actually fall asleep my brain decides to be the biggest dickhead ever. One thought and I am wide awake again. Thanks brain.

 

_But drenched in vanilla twilight_

_I'll sit on the front porch all night_

I sit up and sigh. Again. What is my life? This is the worst existential crisis I’ve ever had. It’s horrible. It’s not even an actual existential crisis as I don’t think about my existence but my life and especially about love. About Phil and me. And I can tell you, that’s even worse than thinking about life somewhere else than on the earth.

 

_Waist-deep in thought because_

All my brain now allows me to think about is Phil. It makes me think about all the scenarios that could happen if I would confess my love. A lot of them aren’t nice. But I just simply can’t think of anything else.

 

_When I think of you I don't feel so alone_

But maybe my brain does this because it knows that if I would think about Phil in any way I wouldn’t feel so alone. Maybe I should thank my brain. But no. It keeps me awake when I want to sleep. Even worse, when I need to sleep!

What is my life?!

Did I just start thinking about if I should thank my brain? My freaking brain is part of me?! What’s wrong with me!? Like seriously!?

I sigh and rub my forehead. And again a lovely thought pops into my mind. Once I had an awful headache and I was all grumpy but instead of being offended by what I said Phil just took care of me and cooled my forehead. It’s a silly memory but all the memories my brain has provided me with so far were stupid so one stupid memory more or less doesn’t matter.

 

_I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone_

Somehow this thought actually makes me feel a bit warmer. Phil is so very caring.

Again I wonder what he is doing at the moment. A lot of things pop into my mind.

 

_As many times as I blink_

_I'll think of you tonight_

_I'll think of you tonight_

 

My personal favourite one is that, even though he has fun, he permanently thinks about me. Very unrealistic but hey! don’t you dare to insult my fantasy!

As I still can’t sleep after thinking about the different things Phil could do at the moment I think about the time when he’d finally come home.

 

_When violet eyes get brighter_

_And heavy wings grow lighter_

_I'll taste the sky and feel alive again_

All the bad thoughts would fall off me and I’d be back alive. I’d be more alive than any other human with Phil around. Even if I still won’t _tell_ him I would still have my best friend back.

 

_And I'll forget the world that I knew_

I look forward to forgetting all the bad thoughts I had these nights.

 

_But I swear I won't forget you_

But I shouldn’t forget that sometime I have to tell him that I love him. Sometime there has to be the perfect moment for it! There just had to be one!

 

_Oh, if my voice could reach_

_Back through the past_

And if not. I would have to invent a time machine to be able to tell him before he leaves because as I realised tonight that would have been the perfect moment. Let me just hope that it wasn’t the last one. I miss him so much!

 

_I'd whisper in your ear_

_Oh darling, I wish you were here_

If I could just like speak to him! If there would be something like a portal where two people far away from each other could still speak in person to each other that would be perfect. Maybe than I would even have enough courage to tell him how I feel. And of course I would have to tell him, that I miss him. With these thoughts I finally fall asleep.

 

 

PHIL’S POV

 

Why can’t my back pack do what I want? I tried to be all quiet and then this stupid thing had to fall off my shoulder. Luckily I am still in front of our door and not yet inside our apartment. Before I open the door I think about when I left. It was just three days ago and still it feels like forever. I originally planned to stay a whole week in America but sadly something happened. Well… Let’s be honest. Nothing happened, I just couldn’t stand the thought of Dan being home alone. I know that I am weird. Dan is as much of a grown up as I am but still I sometimes feel like I have to take care of him. Not in a motherly way. No… Even though I’m sure he thinks that I care about him in a motherly way… Well…

The reason for me being back so early is Dan’s last glance. I only saw a glimpse of it before closing the door. He looked so sad! I’ve never seen him so sad! Not in all the years I know him. Not even when he had one of his existential crisis!

On the airplane and even when I had already arrived in America I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wondered if he was alright. And I wondered if he was always so sad when I left and I just somehow didn’t notice it, or Dan hadn’t shown it to me! Somehow this managed to give me hope. About a year ago I had stopped hopping that he might love me. But after I’ve seen his glance I started to think that he might just be too shy?! Maybe that sounds a bit weird in regard to us talking about Dan! But I couldn’t stop me thinking about it.

In conclusion: Three days was all I could take in America. Of course I didn’t tell my friends the real reason for why I was leaving. I told them something about my brother… I think. I don’t remember.

I take a last deep breath and open the door. Everything is dark. Not one ray of sunshine is visible. Okay… I am literally at the darkest point of our apartment but still.

I leave my luggage at the bottom of the stairs, close the door and climb up the two stairs silently. I still can’t hear any sound whatsoever. Maybe Dan is playing Xbox or he is browsing on the internet.

Not one light is burning. I expect Dan to be in the living room so I slowly open the door to see: Nothing. Every curtain is closed and except for that everything looks like it did when I left. It’s rather weird, even for Dan, to sleep at this late hour, but I don’t wonder too much. I carefully go and knock on his door. After I have knocked for a second time and I still didn’t hear anything I open the door to see an empty bed. That is weird.

But I think that he could maybe make himself something to eat in the kitchen so I return to the kitchen. When I don’t find him there I begin to worry a bit. After eating a hand full of dry cereal to calm my nerves I check every single room in our apartment.

Dan was nowhere. At first I think that he might have gone out but then I remember that I haven’t checked my room.

I take the deepest breath any human has ever taken and open my bedroom door carefully. I smile.

Dan is laying in my bed. In my green hoodie, under my blanket. Maybe I was right. Maybe he kind of loves me, a little bit?!

I think about what I should do. After a few minutes I finally agree with myself to climb into my bed. Next to Dan. I carefully lift the blanket and hold my breath while I lay down. Then I turn around even more carefully and look at him. He looks really calm in his sleep. After I looked at him for a long time I look at my watch and see that it is nearly 4 pm. I hesitate but then I carefully stroke Dan’s already a bit Hobbit-like hair and whisper: “Dan! Wake up. It’s already late. Let’s eat something.”

Dan does not open his eyes but he starts to mumble something. I lean forward to hear what he is saying. I think it’s something like: “Yes… Sure… Dream Phil.”

I chuckle. He thinks he is dreaming! Did that mean that he is dreaming about me quite a lot?

“I’m serious Dan. Get up. I’m back from America.”

This time Dan does open his eyes. I grin. I love his brown eyes. And it’s funny how disbelieving he looks at me. He stares at me for a few seconds and then I think he realises that he’s not dreaming. His eyes get wider and he tries to say something. I lean back and watch him.

“You really are real, aren’t you?” he whispers after a while.

“Yes I am. Why are you in my bedroom? I looked for you everywhere!”

He starts to stutter and I laugh. He gives me an evil glance and says: “I’m going to tell you why I’m in your bedroom when you tell me why you are already here.”

Now I start to stutter. “Well… My brother… Martyn…”

“You know you can’t tell me the same lies as you told your American friends! I’m too clever for that.”

How on earth did he know that I lied to my American friends about Martyn? That’s simply not possible! It surely was one lucky guess.

“You win. But if you want to know the real reason you have to tell me why you are in my bedroom.”

“Alright. But stop repeating it!” Dan says and he suddenly sounds pretty serious. He takes a deep breath and swallows. He grimaces a little, probably to give himself a bit of hope. While he is grimacing I am able to see his dimple. I just wanted to start thinking about how much I love his dimple when Dan starts talking. “Well… You wanted me to talk. So I talk. I think you should know, that I’m putting all my eggs in one basket right now. You are free to react like you want but please don’t laugh or interrupt me.”

I nod and laugh nervously. While Dan talks he does not look at me. “Well… How do I start…? I guess it started or shall I say I knew it some time ago… Sorry I’m talking rubbish… Well… Once I realised that you mean quite a lot to me. I always knew that but one day I realised that there could never be anyone who’d mean more to me than you do. And I think I then realised… That I… was… that I liked you very much. Even more than just as a best friend. I don’t want to lose you as such so I didn’t dare to talk… But now you asked and I’m afraid that otherwise there won’t ever be the right moment for me to say, that I’m in… love with you Phil. Michael. Lester.”

I can’t believe what I just heard. He is in love with me. He told me that he is in love with me! Dan is in love with me!

I can’t repeat it often enough. He loves me the way I love him! I have to tell him how I feel. Now. But what should I say? IT DOESN’T MATTER JUST TALK!

“Dan! I did not know that you felt this way!”

Dan looks up and sees my smiling face. He still looks quite uncertain. So I say: “I came back because I worried about you. I saw your sad glance before I left and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I never thought that you might actually be sad when I leave. I remember that you once cried but I thought that was only because you had a law exam to take… I always thought that you thought that I’d only care about you in a motherly way, but let me tell you, as you already told me: I think I’m in love with you Dan. James. Howell.”

I smile at him, copying his idiotic but rather cute way to confess my love for him. Once he realises what I just said he smiles back. “And I’m not dreaming?” he asks.

“Not if I’m not dreaming.”

He laughs and then he hugs me. At first I’m surprised but then I hug him and hold him tight. I am so happy.

“I love your hair.” I don’t know why I just said that but I did.

Dan laughs and answers: “Thanks. But I prefer yours.”  He sits up again and looks into my eyes. “I love your eyes and I always have. Since I started watching your videos I’ve always loved your blueish eyes.”

“Thanks. I like your eyes, too!” I hesitate but then admit: “I don’t know what else to say.”

“Well… Then don’t say anything.” Dan suggests.

The stupid joke I was about to make luckily get stuck in my throat. Reason for that is Dan’s lips on mine. No one would be able to think sensible when that happened to them. I quickly wrap my arms around Dan and press him as tight against me as possible.

“I needed that.” Dan says and smiles.

“What a romantic way to talk about a first kiss.”

“No, I meant the hug.” Dan says quickly.

“Wow, that’s better.” I say and smile.

“Shut up.”

“Really setting an atmosphere aren’t you?” I ask. Dan wants to say something but I interrupt him with another kiss, I mean, I would be mad if I wouldn’t right?


End file.
